I went to the doctors this morning and i normally ring ahead to ask my regular doctor is there but i assumed he would be. I arrived early and was in good form really i waited in the waiting room.

The last time i was here i was a bag of nerves i was in a terrible state but since the new medication (Lexipro 10mg) my panic attacks and Anxiety are a lot better. I sat reading the paper waiting my turn and noticed people were very quick infront me which is very unusal normally people are 15 – 20 mins at a time. When i was called i was kinda shocked that it was so soon and then realised why..

My regular doctor wasnt there and i was kinda i guess disappointed and angry at myself for not checking that he was there or not. I had wanted to tell him how i got on with the doctor the other day and ask him some questions but of course you cant really do that with a doctor you dont know. Well technically you can but its only as waste of time. So as i walked home i was bloody “angry and pissed off” depressed i guess and i still am. The problem with these meds is that the smallest thing can really get on your nerves and upset you.

I dont know whats wrong with me but i would love to fly away somewhere for a few days. Even though i hardly can afford too id love to simply just “get away” for a few days. I love flying really and have done ever since my first flight 2 years to spain.

I dont think it even matters where id simply love to get on a plane and have a few days break. I love the whole “excitement” of getting on a plane im like a big kid that way. Aer Lingus are so great to fly on if you get the right price of course.

The excitement of siting in the departing area as you wait for the gates to open is just incredable. Aer Lingus staff as so friendly too my experience with Ryanair a year ago wasnt a good really.

Running for your seat on a plane like a heard of animals isnt my idea of fun. Comparing that with the ease of booking your seat online with Aer Lingus. another thing about Ryanair is the plane landings seem to be very “rough”. Now this could be a Pilot thing (i sure hope not) or a plane thing as Ryanair use Boeing 737′s and Aer Lingus use Airbus A320′s i think thats right.

The other day i had a few Bulmers and almost as soon as i drank it i was on a high. So today i got some Budweiser and the first 2-3 cans did nothing except depress me really. But after my 4th i was kinda where i would be if i had 2 Bulmers.

I love Bulmers but without ice its hard to drink, i always get Bulmers if the off-licence has ice which is always in a Bulmers bowl.

For a long time ive had no idea what the hell i want to do in life. When i was a kid i wanted to be a Train Driver but you kinda grow out of that when you get to the teenage years as its not “cool”.

secondary School
When i was in secondary School i still had no idea until we were made to go see a “Career Guidance councilor”. (Must be a great job this telling kids what to do with there lives:p)

Anyway i had come up with Two choices for what course to do in college “Business Studies” or “Computers”. I went for the letter because ive always loved computers. From the first time my Two cousins let me and my sister play with the Amstrad they got for christmas i knew computers was for me. I used to type in the BASIC programming code from the manual and of course always had a bloody “Syntax Error” which at the age of 11 means Fack all really.

First PC:
My First PC was an Amiga 600 and it was amazing. This computer could do anything at least i thought so. From drawing,wordprocessing,speech and games. Of course it was games that i loved and the Amiga was fantastic for games.

Two Year IT Course:
Anyways, i went on to do a two year course in the same school in IT. Computers then were Intel Pentiums 133mhz’s yeah its a good 11 years ago now i think. Anyway two years passed i got through the course and made some friends. It was doing this course that i realised that i wanted to do and it was when we got an assignment from a teacher on HTML. I spent hours writing HTML in notepad and adding images there was no editor back then well none i knew off. I was just writing tags in notepad and amazing myself at the pages. Ive always been that way with computers “the wow look what i did now” thing, even though you just put a picture in a webpage it was a great feeling.

The teacher that thought us HTML died last year while running a marathon in dublin. He was only in his forties and was a great teacher. Mr Morgan was his name and i still remember how great he was at teaching and such a friendly genuine person.

College and software Development:Epic Fail
After that course i went on to college and did “Software Development” and boy it was no “cakewalk” compared to the course i had been on. 7 Subjects some would bored you to death. Luckily most of the stuff we had learned in the two previous years so alot of things were easy. The maths wasnt and was the hardest subject due to the lecturer we had who just wasnt very good at explaining stuff in fact most teachers and lecturers ive encountered over the years are not very good. Its funny how you always remember the good teachers and to this day i still do. Most of them were in the school i had spent 7 years in.

Eventually i passed that year and got the grades to make it into the Third year put things went “Tits up” from here on really. I was in third year not really knowing anybody from second year who most of the people i knew seem to vanish. Anyway i ended up dropping out, for the first time in my life i was a quitter. The reason was well i just didnt fit in i guess, i didnt know anybody and everyone else seemed to know each other.

The previous year i tried the course again and dropped out for more or less the same reasons and when it happened a third time in which year i was doing well in most of the subjects i had a few friends i knew and was on track to make it but alas after christmas i never returned. I dont know why i regret to this day that i probably would have passed the course. Something wasnt right and a trip to the doctors was in order and diagnosis was depression.

So that was my whole live plan screwed up i always had the goals of getting a Degree and then a job place of my own, girlfriend and a car in no order of course. Sometimes life can bite you in the balls.

Recently ive been watching episodes of “House M.D” th great series staring “Hugh Laurie” as a Diagnostic Doctor and his team of 3 doctors and ive realised something, the only thing anyone has to fear is death. While that sounds morbid its true.

I suffer with depression my medication doesnt do me much good but after nearly 3 years of trying different ones its the best ive got. To add to this curse ive failed in almost every aspect of life. Ive dropped out of college twice doing the same course ( the one i had set my future on) and since been made redundant have failed to get back to work.

Sure you could call me a loser heck i think of myself as one but it doest help. I have problems leaving the house and when i say problems i mean (sweats and a huge nervous attack) I guess you could call them panic attacks. My Doctor isnt much good and im not either given the fact that ive failed to help myslef.

I was waiting on counciling but there was some mix up and my form got put with the under 18s. Given the fact that my doctor told me it might take 3 months to get a reply it was a huge blow to hear that.

Death can catch anyone at any age no matter what (well depending on there health).

Been having a lot of troubles with sleep lately well the other day i really over did it, i didnt sleep for something like a day something thats never happened before. Normally the medication im on kicks in when i “get up” in the morning and makes me sleep but recently it hasnt been doing that.

Last night i went out to a disco and sleept like a log, was about to let the cat in when i came home only for my dad to moan at me as he normally does. Anyway i think ill sleep well from now on and probably when i take my medication in a few mins ill wake up sometime in the evening.

For all the good it does my “medication” isnt that great to be honest i feel like crap most of the time that or tired with feeling like crap being the one that wins. Going out to discos is a joke really standing like a mug and not knowing what to say to any girl i see isnt my idea of fun so i just head to the bar and get “wasted”, i could do that at home. Anyway its 9.20am here the morning after and time to sleep i think.